Self-love Is Not Selfish

Human beings cannot survive without love. It is as essential to our existence as air, water, food and shelter.  We celebrate love, chase after love, misunderstand love and spend a good amount of time throughout our lives messing up love. But no one sat us down and taught us how to love, we just learned along the way. Like learning how to walk, we observed and tried and fell down and kept going until one day, it felt right and got us where we wanted to go.

Types of Love ❤️

Love is a big topic. It’s helpful to understand the various types of love and loving relationships. The most well-known description comes from ancient Greece and is still widely recognized: 

Eros - Romantic, passionate love. Physical attraction, desire, chemistry. The spark.

Philia – Deep friendship. Affection between friends, equals, teammates. Loyalty + trust.

Storge – Familial love. The natural love between parents and children, siblings, extended family.

Agape – Selfless, unconditional love. Compassion, charity, love for humanity, spiritual love.

Ludus – Playful love. Flirting, teasing, early-stage fun, butterflies without commitment.

Pragma – Enduring, practical love. Long-term partnership built on commitment, shared goals, and effort.

Philautia – Love of self. Healthy self-esteem and self-compassion

Although these types of love relationships are familiar to us, it is not uncommon that love of self is where we have likely spend the least amount of time and energy.

Self-Love

New York Times bestselling author and podcaster, Jay Shetty, in his recent book, 8 Rules of Love, asserts that self love is essential to developing any other kind of love. He urges we must let ourselves spend time alone and contrasts time alone from loneliness. In solitude is where we begin to understand ourselves and our values which are essential to learning how to love others. 

Intentionally spending time alone may be something you struggle with. Perhaps you find it uncomfortable to be alone with your thoughts or you have surrounded yourself with people and an over-packed schedule. This is challenging, because self love is foundational to building all other loving relationships. To love others well, we must have healthy self esteem and self compassion that we find through love of self. 

I unknowingly struggled with self love for many years. I had thoughts that played over and over in my head, that I was just not enough, not like most girls my age and it was reinforced every time I looked at myself in the mirror.  I struggled making direct eye contact in certain situations and I just hated certain things about myself. I chased things outside of myself to fill the void of self love like possessions, status and professional achievement.  As the song made popular by Johnny Lee in the film Urban Cowboy, I was “Lookin’ for Love In All the Wrong Places”.  These things don’t bring complete joy or lasting peace. Instead what I have learned is solitude is a powerful antidote to these fears of self loathing and unworthiness.  Spending time alone allows us to better understand ourselves and our values which is essential to learning how to love others.

Practicing Solitude

You might be thinking, I have no time for solitude. You may be in a busy season of life where the only peace and quiet you can find is in the bathroom! I have been there and I want to encourage you that solitude does not have to take hours. Solitude can be found in just a few minutes. It’s best to try to find the same time every day, such as early while the house is quiet, or just before bed, or during a regular commute, but without distractions. No TV, radio, podcasts, reading emails or scrolling social media while you are alone in solitude. 

I have called this quiet time a gratitude practice, because I like to begin with reflecting on what I am grateful for. Then, with pen in  hand, I write about what is heavy on my heart and I often pray for guidance and protection. It is here when I find God speaks, by directing my thoughts toward something or someone. This practice has helped reveal to me areas of healing and hope. It has nurtured my self esteem and fostered self compassion. I have learned that in solitude, you meet the divine and your true self is revealed to you, with all of its wonderful attributes, vulnerabilities and even the prickly thorns. And so begins the journey of learning to love yourself and building more loving relationships.  

The 13th century scholar and poet Hafiz, a giant in world literature and widely known for writing about divine love and human longing wrote:

“I wish I could show you,

when you are lonely or in darkness,

the astonishing light of your own being.”

It is a beautiful reminder that what we’re searching for outside ourselves is already alive within us. We must intentionally turn inward in quiet solitude to find our true selves and to confidently share our love with the world around us. 

In love ❤️

Kelly

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