Finding Serenity During Suffering

We need a better way to understand and respond to suffering, because suffering is part of every human’s journey. I used to think that if you were smart enough to make all the right life moves, and maybe with a little luck, you’d live a happy, productive life, with minimal suffering. But it was on you. You’d need to work hard, study hard, be kind, thoughtful, and decisive, and life would unfold in your favor, with minimal consequence and suffering. WRONG.

What is suffering?

Suffering stems from normal negative emotions that every human being experiences. There are 4 basic negative human emotions that the limbic system of the brain produces to protect us from any major threats. These normal negative emotions are:

😨 Fear

😡 Anger

😤 Disgust

😢 Sadness

When one of these negative emotions causes us pain, we experience suffering. Neither the emotion nor the pain is the problem. The problem is when we fail to recognize and embrace the pain. Embracing pain, like “giving it a hug”?!? Sort of 🧐

Suffering is not just the pain itself. It is the combined experience of the pain and the resistance to that pain. Suffering can be minimized by decreasing the pain and/or decreasing the resistance to that pain. 

Arthur Brooks, author, researcher, and professor of Medicine, Health and Society at Vanderbilt University, provides this framework to help understand suffering: 

💔 Suffering = 😩 Pain x 🙏 Resistance to that pain 

Think back to basic math class. We know that anything multiplied by zero is equal to zero. Then no matter how much pain you have, if you can lower your resistance to that pain toward zero, your suffering experience will be reduced, even completely mitigated to essentially zero. 

Let’s consider this analogy using physical pain as an example. Imagine you suffer from chronic back pain. It’s genetics; you are blessed with a bad back. To minimize suffering, you can: 

• Try things to reduce the pain like stretching, proper posture, maintaining a healthy body weight, or taking a mild analgesic. 

AND

• Lower your resistance to pain by practices such as acceptance, prayer, gratitude, and detachment. 

When it comes to painful relationships with others- especially loved ones causing suffering, a very common experience- the same approach of decreasing pain and decreasing resistance to pain can be transformative. 

How do we decrease resistance to pain?

Reinhold Niebuhr, an American theologian, ethicist, pastor, and public intellectual, is best known for authoring the Serenity Prayer. Interestingly, the short version that most people know—“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…”—is actually only the beginning of the longer prayer.  The Serenity Prayer is much deeper than simply “accept what you can’t change.” In his prayer, Niebuhr was describing a way of living with humility, courage, and trust especially during times of suffering. A closer examination of the prayer, line by line,  provides much insight for finding peace and serenity: 

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…”

This is about recognizing the limits of your control. Some things belong to God and to other people—not to us. We can’t control another person’s choices, the past, circumstances we didn’t create, or how someone responds to us. Acceptance doesn’t mean telling yourself, “I like this.” Rather, it means recognizing, “This is what is, and I will stop exhausting myself trying to make it something else.”

“…courage to change the things I can…”

Acceptance isn’t passivity. There are things that are within our responsibility: our choices, our words, our boundaries, our attitudes, our willingness to apologize, our willingness to forgive, and sometimes our willingness to act. The prayer asks for courage, because doing what we can change can be uncomfortable or costly.

“…and wisdom to know the difference.”

This is the profound heart of the prayer.  Sometimes the hardest question isn’t “What should I do?”, rather, “Is this mine to change?” Wisdom means learning to distinguish responsibility from control.  You can love someone without being able to change them. You can pray for someone without being able to make their decisions for them. You can set a boundary without controlling how the other person responds.

“Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time…”

Here, Niebuhr brings the prayer back from an overwhelming future to the present moment. Rather than trying to solve your entire life—or someone else’s life—just for today, ask, “What is mine to do today?”

“Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace…”

As a Christian, Niebuhr isn’t saying that suffering is good in itself. Rather, he urges that unavoidable difficulties can become occasions for growth, surrender, maturity, and deeper dependence upon God. Sometimes peace comes not because the difficult situation disappears, but because our relationship to it changes us.

“Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it…”

“He” refers to Christ. The world is imperfect, and people are imperfect. We shouldn’t be surprised that relationships, institutions, families, and even our own hearts can be complicated and imperfect. We are encouraged not to withdraw from the world because it’s imperfect. Rather, we are made to love and serve within an imperfect world without demanding that it become perfect before we can enjoy peace.

“Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will…”

In this prayer we are moved away from control to trust. Away from “I’ll figure everything out” to “I will do what is mine to do, release what isn’t mine to control, and trust God with the outcome.” The Serenity Prayer has resonated with so many people facing difficult relationships, loss, uncertainty, and suffering. It concludes with: 

“that I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.”

This reveals an understanding of serenity is not primarily about feeling calm. It is about living faithfully in the present while ultimately placing one’s hope in God and eternal life.

Finding Peace Through Surrender

Resistance to pain and reducing suffering is essentially developing a disposition of conformity to the Divine will, accepting that God has a plan and will use suffering for good. Perhaps it is a goodness that you cannot see or understand in the present moment. The Serenity Prayer helps to trust that this season of suffering will not be wasted and that your suffering is a cross you are being asked to bear, with Him. 

When our pain is united with God, our suffering can be a path to deeper love, freedom, meaning, and happiness. Taking our eyes off of removing the pain and focusing on conformity to God’s will allows us to live with the pain by His grace that He freely gives. There is peace in God’s presence when we give Him our pain and move with Him, at His pace with our suffering. 

Discern what is yours to hold;

Do what love requires;

Release what does not belong to you;

And trust God with all the rest.🙏

Be Well ❤️

Kelly

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